Last night was yet the most difficult night for me since the death of my mother. I wasn't able to have enough rest as memories of her pain and suffering came into thoughts. I remembered the many phone/video calls we had, and the several occasions that she would downplay the pain, or worst pretend there wasn't any pain. She was very bubbly and talkative. Looking back, I wish I talked more, shared more, called more often. I know I've made her feel my love and support despite the distance, but there's something I wish I could have done more.
My mother succumbed to lung cancer last November 2019. That fateful dawn she took her final breath, we were all sleeping. I was beside her, completely unaware it would be her last. When we found out, I was not surprised because I knew it was coming. The way she did it was so much like her--- unfussy, uncomplicated, and quiet. I knew she didn't want any drama, and so she did it at the time we were all resting from a long week before.
Today, I look back at the laughs and conversations we've shared together. Along with my other sisters, we shared a bond so unique that I understand and respect her silence. I knew when to stop talking and listen. I knew so much that she wanted to live longer to see her grandchildren succeed in life. She wanted to crush cancer.
I've never dreamt of my mother since her death, and everyday I wish she would visit me in my sleep and let me feel her love. This longing will always linger.
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