Thirty-eighth: A Mistake Doesn't Define a Person.

It's tough staying sane and put-up with the kind of profession I have. I love being a nurse, there's no doubt in that.  But lately, I don't really understand what's happening with me. I mess up and I end up doing something untoward to my patients. It hurts to think that I might have flushed my sense of responsibility and focus down the drain. For two times in a 15-day span, I made a mistake and I chose to keep it to myself because fear COMPLETELY got the better of me. I was paralyzed with dread and horror that my actions were going to cost me something that I have worked hard for, my professional license. And really, karma is just around the corner-- lurking and urging everyone to always go with honesty. At that time, I just couldn't. I was so scared. My knees were literally weak and wobbly. That was my first time.

The second time, I had to face the jury. There were OBVIOUS and INSTANT repercussion. I was even more scared for my patient's well-being than my own. In the greater scheme of things, even a person with the coldest heart will put others welfare above his. I did just that. I was very careless and unmindful. I put my patient's life in line and I only had myself to blame. I had never, at that moment, ever been scared to face tomorrow.

With all these, I had my mother as my pillow amongst the very hard pieces of rock I was on. She was sorry it had to happen on me and that she wish she could do something about it. No one EVER made me cry the way she did through her comforting words. I was trying to put on a strong face, so that I wouldn't break down in front of the many people who now try to question my skills and capabilities. But, there's just so much stress a person can hold. He will eventually have to let it go to make room for peace of mind.

As I look back, the only two-day-old occurrence still hurts. The memory is fresh. I couldn't seem to let go, especially because I know in myself that I've never meant to do it. But, what is there that I can do? The milk is spilled. Will I continually drown myself in misery? It's so hard to block unwanted thoughts. :(

What is even more hurting is how the people above me press and try to put me down. If I didn't have such strong support system and my faith was little, I could have died right on. I thought to myself, How can somebody ever tell someone with so much conviction that "You're future is doomed."? I totally don't get that. You may question my action with the mistake I did but IT DOESN'T EVER DEFINE ME! I was a conscientious student before I was a professional. Now that I am, I always made sure my patients' care were centered on their doctors' order. I know I slipped that one time, as everyone all does. I personally believed my superiors were instilling in me lessons so that nothing like that will happen again, but it kind of looked like some were adding even more salt to the wound. It was an uneasy situation to be in.

Now, I pray for discernment in every action I do. I'm scared, wary and cautious all rolled into one. No reason can ever justify a WRONG DOING. I can only learn from it. 

**Thank God for a wonderful support system: my parents, sisters and co-workers. All comforting words and gestures do not go unappreciated.
My best friend Kimy: "If you're a bad person, you won't give a damn about what happened... But you do care Tin and that's the one thing that is important.."