Our Own Personal Struggle

I believe everyone will agree when I say that we're all sometimes misunderstood, at one point or the other, whether in the thoughts that we say out loud, our actions that people mistake for something, our self-expression through the way we dress ourselves, our choices of food, beverages, and even book, and most especially, the people we choose to hang-out with. These and more are misunderstood and we can only do so much to refute people's  opinions  or allegations. Sometimes, I get to a point where I think it's tiring, senseless and worse, futile. 

When I feel I am, I look up to some people, who, despite their fame and success, still struggle to fight or overcome the feeling. A star like Lady Gaga, who is oddly weird in her fashion statements (OK, I'm passing judgment here, SORRY), also feels this. (Watch video  below)

Yes, we all feel like losers sometimes. THERE IS NO DENYING THAT. It takes me a day or two to get over any feeling similar to this. I acknowledge MY feeling and the situation. I refuse to go out. I keep it to myself, first. I allow myself to cry. Then, I rise above it. Where else would a person who's down go but up?

Yes, I may be misunderstood in ways more than one but I know myself better than anyone else. I embrace the diversity I have from that of others. I do not even try to push others to have the same conviction that I hold.

For Lady Gaga to share her emotions with the entire world takes so much strength and the need to help and encourage others to triumph over the situation.


**No, I feel great at the moment. I just wanted to get her message across for everyone who's at this state of personal melancholy. It's nice to know that whenever I feel sad, I pause and think, HEY I'M NOT ALONE. Hundreds of thousands of teenagers, adults, and elderly from all over the world also feel lonely. And sometimes,  I am comforted with that thought.

Thirty-three: It's a beautiful day.

Today is a beautiful day! :) The sun is up and shining very brightly. :)

I just want to write down things that happened last night.

1. Yesterday, I have been pulled out from 4-B station (my original work of place) and reassigned to 5-A. I was kind of bummed out because I thought I was going to have a complicated patients' load. I didn't (during the early part of the shift) but still, it's different working at an area you've gotten used to. I did miss my coworkers whom I've worked with for the past weeks. Talk about separation anxiety.  HAHA :D

The very good thing about having been pulled out was I only got a maximum load of four and one admission. This was the icing on the cake because my coworkers from 4-B had twelve patients and two more admission. You could just imagine having to juggle your time among these FOURTEEN PATIENTS!! It's hard! And this is where mismanagement happened (in  MY sole point of view). Why would someone assign five nurses over a twenty-three census and then leave out three nurses to care for a thirty-six (or more) census? It's very silly when I think of it. No one had the right to complain BUT you would know how tiring it is for the latter nurses to actually care for their patients without leaving one or two uncared for. It made me really wonder.  Personally, I struggled to devote my time among eight patients (with a lot of nursing care in between: feeding, medications, suctioning, tracheostomy care, blood transfusion, etc). It's just so sad seeing my coworkers in that state, but they pulled through.

2. During the end part of my eight-hour shift, my patient became unresponsive. She wouldn't wake up even with the sound of our voices and heavy prodding. This is where the code nurses, resident doctors, and medical interns were paged and immediate actions were given. For a first-timer, it was a heart-racing (literally) and scary experience. At first, I didn't know what to do. I found myself standing in the corner, giving way to those who knew better and waiting for further instructions. Then the doctors started calling out the nurse-in-charge, and I was that person. I had to answer questions regarding my  patient care. I was asked to double check some equipments that were going to be used, as it took some time. I was then told to ambu-bag the patient and suctioned the secretions (oral and ETT), etc. I never left the patient for an hour or so. We were all exhausted. At past 10 in the evening, the patient's vital signs were stable, but still unresponsive.

When faced with this kind of station, it was easy to give in to panic. But this is the LEAST resort one is to choose. It gets the significant others of the patient worried. It gets the others wearisome and their minds clouded with doubt and fear. Thank God for those medically trained to face this kind of situation. The patient was in good hands. Of course, God was our ONLY teacher.

3. During the same night, a patient of my coworker died of cancer. She was still young to die. All of her immediate family members and a few relatives filled up the hallway. They were anxiously waiting for some good news or a miracle to save their loved one. She was on a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order. It was a personal choice of the patient before she died. This means to say no actions are to be given to save her from dying. It was a sad time for the bereaved family. I found her sister wailing out, crying hysterically over the phone. I wanted to comfort her, but I couldn't do so because no amount of words can comfort her.

I'd like to think that the good thing about the situation was that they already knew from the start that this is going to happen. Death is inevitable, especially so with cancer-stricken people. They already had an idea. It wasn't a sudden death (as compared with MVA or cardiac arrest). They must have had enough time to say or show how they feel. Of course, the death of any loved one is painful and it'll take some time to eventually accept  it.

4. It's good to take a time out from stress. I went to eat yogurt and some dessert with a good friend after work. Last night, we decided to skip talking about our patients' care. We just wanted to laugh, so we threw out silly jokes. We had the best time. It's nice to have this kind of friend (and it helps that you're both in the same kind of profession).

Thank You, Lord, for constantly being on our side. You are my fortress, my refuge, and my help!!! I couldn't  have made it through the day without You.

Yesterday, during work, some coworkers invited me to come with them to the beach. Of course, I was kind of hesitant because it was a last-minute invitation. But, this plan has been brewing in the station for weeks then. While they had their bags ready, I didn't bring any clothes and slippers with me. My friends were really bugging me to go but the distance of our house from the hospital, which was originally the main point to the resort, was a little too far for a HOT afternoon drive.

Thirty minutes before the shift ends, everyone who was to go was already at the station. That's when more prodding happened. I gave in and boy was I excited! I didn't mind driving to the house to get my stuff. They were really kind for waiting for me (well not so, because they had to eat as they were hungry).

Now, we're all set. It was a really sunny day and we were inside the car with good music and nice company. We kept on laughing at some silly jokes. A lot of intriguing and shocking stories were told. We had A LOT of stops before we reached the place. 

When we were already there, lo and behold, the place was breathtaking! It was very picturesque, pretty much like a scene from a postcard that you'd think it wasn't for real. Everyone was amazed! We marveled at the beauty right before us. Our friend, whose family owns the resort, was very blessed to have this for a retreat place.

I call this 'silver lining'

I kept looking at the clouds every now and then.

 

Caution: DO NOT BE DECEIVED!! This pool is 8 or more feet deep! Scary!

The storyteller, Shaun :D

LET THE FUN TIMES ROLLING!!! Thanks for the good time, friends!! :)

For the last six days, since Palm Sunday, I have had the chance to spend my time in solitude and reflection. I don't really get to do this because I am tied up with work  BUT there's absolutely NO reason to not be able to reconnect with Jesus' as He goes through His journey of pain, suffering, and resurrection.

Early today, I went to do the Station of the Cross with my sister and friends. It was an experience that brought back so much memories of anguish. I have been very undeserving of Jesus's love. I say that with passion because it's true and I could not understand how someone of divine and human existence would want to put His life in the line to give me a chance to live a life of renewed faith and beautiful beginning.

With each prayer I said, I always picture Christ drenched in blood, with tattered garments while trying to make His way onto a rude and mocking crowd. Mother Mary and a few of His loyal supporters and friends were there and they could not even do anything to save Christ from His pitiful state. I felt really really bad. No words can ever describe the feeling I had then.

It will take a long time and a huge amount of constant effort and dedication to get where the saints are. I will have to ALWAYS say no to temptations, sometimes presenting themselves in gold or red ribbon, that lurk around the corner. It's scary how everyone is vulnerable! :/

This Holy Week, I am sure that everyone would like to have their weary faith revived. And as Easter Sunday approaches, I am assured that TIME AND AGAIN, I am, despite my sins and transgressions, worthy of Jesus's love.

THANK YOU, LORD, FOR GIVING US YOUR ONLY BEGOTTEN SON!!! :)

"For everything there is a season, and a time for very purpose under heaven: 

a time to be born, and a time to die;

 a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; 

a time to kill, and a time to heal;

 a time to break down, and a time to build up; 

a time to weep, and a time to laugh; 

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; 

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 

a time to seek, and a time to lose;

 a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 

a time to rend, and a time to sew; 

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 

a time to love, and a time to hate;

 a time for war and a time for peace."
--Ecclesiastes 3:2

I just have to rant, to let these out in my system! :( So, I just called our department's local number and I found out I am to report for my 12-hour duty tonight, this after going on duty on the same day. :(

A five-or-six-hours of sleep WON'T SUFFICE!! Clearly, it doesn't! Who goes to work like this?! Me, that's for sure. I get it, we are understaffed, which is exactly the number one reason why the hospital should hire more nurses so rest won't  get in the line of those who are SUPPOSED to have one.

This isn't really about the pay I'm going to get (that being the positive note of the issue, as what my friends say), because that doesn't really compensate. We can never have our rest days back, can we? And sleep is really precious, ergo, the most BASIC and FUNDAMENTAL thing in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.

I just really hope that heaven will look upon me with mercy and give me an uncomplicated patients' load because that will really help.

I have been a busy working girl!! :( My lack of writing is an evidence. I wanted to do a lot of things, mostly read and write. I would love to travel, too (but that is far-fetched, seeing as I am swamped with work).

I have a love-hate relationship with my profession. One day, I find myself inspired to go to work; next, I'm drained, irked, and almost wanting to give up. THIS IS MY CONSTANT BATTLE. I fight the latter with all the strength I have reserved for times like these.

My work is tiring, add to the fact that it doesn't even pay good; but I CANNOT DENY that there's something fulfilling and passionate about it that you would want to pay forward the feeling. If I find myself heaving a heavy sigh, I look at my patients and think, "How could they still feel happy despite being in the hospital?" and then I stop drowning in misery, because really, it's just a matter of perspective.

So tonight, before sleep consumes me, I remember the things I have done: Were they any good? Or were they mediocre? Did I contribute to my patient's health improvement? Did I just do things for the sake of getting them accomplished?

Heavens, these haunt me! Like happiness, I also cannot suppress the dictates of my conscience! I find myself lost amongst the throes of questions. The least I want my patients/clients to remember (when I see them walking outside the huge hospital) is that I was just WORKING, not really giving my all. That's pathetic, let's face it! :/

So today, I'd like to say I did good. Because I have standards set for MYSELF and I was able  to go beyond them, I would say I did good. Because I was armed with a pocketful of prayers and a sunshine of hope, I would say I did good. And it also matters to me that my patients and their significant others trust me. One wouldn't go about telling me of his affair with a girl, 30 years his junior. I would say that's trust. And when I left their rooms, I was given the WARMEST OF SMILES.  Now, those are HUGE treats!  :)