Profound Loss

I lost my dear father, Nestor, yesterday. Now, two of my parents are dead. Grief comes knocking again, only this time it’s more painful and surreal. I guess because I can finally say I am orphaned. I will never get to see him again, and with his finality of death comes the overwhelming feeling of loss and sorrow. He will never get to physically see his only granddaughter, Isabelle. I will never get to hear his voice nor his silent laughter ever again.

It really hurts and I don’t know how long I will be able to recover from this massive loss. 

You will forever be missed, my gentle giant. Thank you for being the best father in the best way you know how. You have been amazing, loving, caring, quiet. Know that I am looking forward to our reunion one day, soon—you, Mama, and I.

May the gates of heaven open up to your soul and grant you eternal rest.

Te amo mucho 🕊 

Oh to be a Mom

I had just put Isabelle, my four-month old daughter, down for her sleep when I took these photos. I wanted to capture the moment of a time I have successfully put her down on her crib, got up, peed, washed some of her burp clothes, and did some house chores that I have put off for quite a while now. I remember asking, ‘Is she ever going to close her eyes and sleep like a log?’ I just wanted to pee and have a moment for myself. Five, ten, fifteen, twenty minutes have gone by and she was just starting to go on REM stage, and then I twitched because one leg felt numb, and boom she was up again. I rocked her back and forth and a little too hard this time. I haven’t noticed how long it took for her to sleep again because I was also starting to feel the heaviness in my eyes. I was just extremely grateful that although tonight was a little tougher than usual, I was up on my legs.

On nights that are especially difficult, I tell myself it’s not going to be always like this. There are days that I have small accomplishments and they felt like I conquered motherhood like a pro. Some days, I’m just about to explode from sheer frustration and exhaustion. But the beauty I have in front of me is very rewarding that all unlikely feelings just fade into the background.

I thank you, Father God, for your everlasting kindness and for choosing me to be my little baby’s primary caregiver. 

Xx