Fun times with the family  :)

Forty-second: Meaningful

When a second chance is given, it makes the waiting all the more meaningful and worth it. It  makes you want to give your all to prove that none of it will go to waste. But then, one has to be even more vigilant and cautious than ever.

In this light, I don't think anyone deserves an explanation for my silence. I've been through so much in the last few days and the prying and speculating did me nothing but heartache. I cannot begin to comprehend how someone could possibly be so indifferent and insensitive to others' plight.
The only thought that gets me through the day is the fact that God would not put me into this test had He known I couldn't get past through this. Thank you God for being my loyal and faithful confidante. :)

Forty-first: Hello Sunshine :)

Right now, I'm going to forget my problems and throw away all my worries and I'll bask under the sun with my sunglasses and a good book in tow. The troubles I could possibly think of that weigh me down will be put aside because it's the perfect weather for snorkeling and swimming. Ahhh such is life! :)

I can only wish that God will give that person more than enough strength to get through the days to come. :(

Fortieth: Liberating

I can now fully understand how people with quite a predicament fear for tomorrow. It's like wanting to live in darkness because seeing the light may hurt too much. I didn't know I will live to see this day. I am fearful and I don't know how to face tomorrow. It's just the hardest thing to do right now. But I believe it's the most liberating feeling-- to finally know the outcome and start from there.

Everything seems so surreal. I don't know how to categorize my feelings, but for now, it's mostly fear, frustration and sadness. I know things will get better in time but that just seems so far away. Will it ever come? :/

When people tell me to think positively, I wish I could tell them that I am trying but it's so hard. It's like telling a woman to think of an otherwise diagnosis when all signs and symptoms lead to breast cancer. When people tell me that others have bigger problems than I do, I wish I could tell them that it's my personal choice to wallow in self-pity because I need time to let everything sink in. It's not about who has the bigger problem because at the end of the day, the feeling we have is our common denominator. That makes us equal, I think. When people tell me that 'maybe, it's not for you', I strive even harder to prove to them that I want this and I will fight tooth and nail to get it. You cannot just tell someone what's meant for him or not, especially if that has been his prospect for far too long. How can they be very dismissive and insensitive? :/

As I wait for tomorrow to come, no matter the outcome, I can only take a deep breath and wish for the best. It's my fate at stake and I know He is listening. He is good and I will let divine intervention intercede. He is merciful and powerful.

Thirty-ninth: Shaken But Not Retreating

When you have nothing (or you feel something close to that), it makes you appreciate all the more the things you have. You have to lose to nurture and cherish. I get that. I feel that. I personally believe I am at one of my worsts. I feel my faith is being shaken that I am so close to feeling totally helpless. I still don't know how it all happened, how fate chose to be on the opposite side. I cannot comprehend the entirety of the things that unfold between my eyes. I can only choose to be strong because that's the sole sensible option left.

Why did I just let the wind take the advice of the elders when the said that 'life is so much harder when you're a grown up.' I should have known. I should have taken enough caution. I'm letting out a heavy sigh.

Thirty-eighth: A Mistake Doesn't Define a Person.

It's tough staying sane and put-up with the kind of profession I have. I love being a nurse, there's no doubt in that.  But lately, I don't really understand what's happening with me. I mess up and I end up doing something untoward to my patients. It hurts to think that I might have flushed my sense of responsibility and focus down the drain. For two times in a 15-day span, I made a mistake and I chose to keep it to myself because fear COMPLETELY got the better of me. I was paralyzed with dread and horror that my actions were going to cost me something that I have worked hard for, my professional license. And really, karma is just around the corner-- lurking and urging everyone to always go with honesty. At that time, I just couldn't. I was so scared. My knees were literally weak and wobbly. That was my first time.

The second time, I had to face the jury. There were OBVIOUS and INSTANT repercussion. I was even more scared for my patient's well-being than my own. In the greater scheme of things, even a person with the coldest heart will put others welfare above his. I did just that. I was very careless and unmindful. I put my patient's life in line and I only had myself to blame. I had never, at that moment, ever been scared to face tomorrow.

With all these, I had my mother as my pillow amongst the very hard pieces of rock I was on. She was sorry it had to happen on me and that she wish she could do something about it. No one EVER made me cry the way she did through her comforting words. I was trying to put on a strong face, so that I wouldn't break down in front of the many people who now try to question my skills and capabilities. But, there's just so much stress a person can hold. He will eventually have to let it go to make room for peace of mind.

As I look back, the only two-day-old occurrence still hurts. The memory is fresh. I couldn't seem to let go, especially because I know in myself that I've never meant to do it. But, what is there that I can do? The milk is spilled. Will I continually drown myself in misery? It's so hard to block unwanted thoughts. :(

What is even more hurting is how the people above me press and try to put me down. If I didn't have such strong support system and my faith was little, I could have died right on. I thought to myself, How can somebody ever tell someone with so much conviction that "You're future is doomed."? I totally don't get that. You may question my action with the mistake I did but IT DOESN'T EVER DEFINE ME! I was a conscientious student before I was a professional. Now that I am, I always made sure my patients' care were centered on their doctors' order. I know I slipped that one time, as everyone all does. I personally believed my superiors were instilling in me lessons so that nothing like that will happen again, but it kind of looked like some were adding even more salt to the wound. It was an uneasy situation to be in.

Now, I pray for discernment in every action I do. I'm scared, wary and cautious all rolled into one. No reason can ever justify a WRONG DOING. I can only learn from it. 

**Thank God for a wonderful support system: my parents, sisters and co-workers. All comforting words and gestures do not go unappreciated.
My best friend Kimy: "If you're a bad person, you won't give a damn about what happened... But you do care Tin and that's the one thing that is important.."

All a child ever needs is someone who could perfectly understand her without fear of judgment.

You cannot put a good woman down.

Gentle and caring in the truest sense of the words...

They mean the world to us. Our staunch supporter, defender, comforter, lover and best friend: Mama. It would have been crazy and lonely sans our mothers!! I could not imagine how doom that will be! For every fall that I went through, my mom was the FIRST one to come to my rescue, with arms wide open and a listening ear.

Ma, you are irreplaceable!! I WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR NUMBER ONE FAN!!! :)

I think Leighton Meester is not only beautiful but EXTREMELY TALENTED, as well. She is an actress, a model, product/s endorser, an advocate, and a singer. The list can actually go on. She's amazing!

Before calling it a night, I'm listening to her songs and renditions. AMAZING YET AGAIN!!! :)

I remember with so much fondness all these pictures. I can't wait to see you again, Buboy!!! :) For now, these will suffice.