I can now fully understand how people with quite a predicament fear for tomorrow. It's like wanting to live in darkness because seeing the light may hurt too much. I didn't know I will live to see this day. I am fearful and I don't know how to face tomorrow. It's just the hardest thing to do right now. But I believe it's the most liberating feeling-- to finally know the outcome and start from there.
Everything seems so surreal. I don't know how to categorize my feelings, but for now, it's mostly fear, frustration and sadness. I know things will get better in time but that just seems so far away. Will it ever come? :/
When people tell me to think positively, I wish I could tell them that I am trying but it's so hard. It's like telling a woman to think of an otherwise diagnosis when all signs and symptoms lead to breast cancer. When people tell me that others have bigger problems than I do, I wish I could tell them that it's my personal choice to wallow in self-pity because I need time to let everything sink in. It's not about who has the bigger problem because at the end of the day, the feeling we have is our common denominator. That makes us equal, I think. When people tell me that 'maybe, it's not for you', I strive even harder to prove to them that I want this and I will fight tooth and nail to get it. You cannot just tell someone what's meant for him or not, especially if that has been his prospect for far too long. How can they be very dismissive and insensitive? :/
As I wait for tomorrow to come, no matter the outcome, I can only take a deep breath and wish for the best. It's my fate at stake and I know He is listening. He is good and I will let divine intervention intercede. He is merciful and powerful.
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