Profound Loss

I lost my dear father, Nestor, yesterday. Now, two of my parents are dead. Grief comes knocking again, only this time it’s more painful and surreal. I guess because I can finally say I am orphaned. I will never get to see him again, and with his finality of death comes the overwhelming feeling of loss and sorrow. He will never get to physically see his only granddaughter, Isabelle. I will never get to hear his voice nor his silent laughter ever again.

It really hurts and I don’t know how long I will be able to recover from this massive loss. 

You will forever be missed, my gentle giant. Thank you for being the best father in the best way you know how. You have been amazing, loving, caring, quiet. Know that I am looking forward to our reunion one day, soon—you, Mama, and I.

May the gates of heaven open up to your soul and grant you eternal rest.

Te amo mucho 🕊 

How Lovely Is Your Dwelling Place

"How Lovely Is Your Dwelling Place O Lord Mighty God," no words are ever truer than these. When my mother was very sick and laid on her deathbed, I would constantly play this song to her. It was a really comforting moment for all of us. I told her if her parents are waiting for her at the end of the tunnel, then it's the most beautiful time to go and follow the light. It will be so hard for us to see her go and the grief will always stay but I would like to see her free from pain and all suffering. On her last few days, she was out of consciousness, barely responding to any stimuli. Out of nowhere, I felt her tight grip and I saw tears from the corner of her eyes. It was the most powerful thing I've ever experienced. I was moved to tears. I felt God's infinite love and mercy. I felt it through my mother's effort to convey her love. She passed away peacefully in her sleep. It was the way I'd imagine her to go, quiet and devoid of drama. 

Almost two years since her death, I believe she is with the Lord. I take comfort that my mother, although a sinner, tried very hard to become an apostle of Christ. She was a faithful follower. I may not see or feel her anymore but I hold her so close to my heart. She will always be my life's missing puzzle.   

I would forsake a thousand

Other days anywhere

If I could spend one day in Your courts

Belong to You alone

My strength are You alone

My glory, my King and my God!

Rest in Peace

Today is a sad day, I am one with my former coworkers as we mourn the death of our friend, R. Life is indeed fleeting. Here today, gone tomorrow. I am filled with great regrets that I was not even able to say hi, how are you while he was battling cancer. I thought I still had tomorrow, but I failed to realize it is never promised. I always tried to put it off for reasons so close to home. I was afraid the feelings of grief and hurt from my mother's passing that I tried to keep at bay would resurface. I wish I could have said hello and tell him his fast recovery was in my prayers at night.

There are always words left unsaid and actions left undone. Sometimes, we don't know if second chances will ever come. I hope I take this realization to heart.

You will be sorely missed, R. Soar high for there are no more pain and suffering in heaven. </3

Last Night

Last night, amidst the unsettling quiet of the night, I found myself in tears. It hit me so hard, I was just deeply hurt. I couldn’t seem to console myself. The tears would just keep falling and I allowed them to be. It was very hard to hold  everything together. Every song that played  on the radio reminded me so much of my mother. It’s as if she were still alive, and I was looking forward to calling her when the sun rises. I got out of bed, lit one of the three candles that was no longer burning on her makeshift altar, and said a prayer. On and on and on, I just kept crying. In the past three months, I’ve never cried this much. The longing was so deep, so intense it’s almost palpable.

I always try to go about my day as happily as I could. I keep my mother’s memories behind me— like a bed always left untucked. And then the feelings way down inside surges and I am forced to deal with them. I guess I have to be comfortable with the thought that her loss will now be a part of me, that life will never be the same, and hopefully I'll be all right. I know she's close, but gone.