But and Then

Not a minute ago, someone messaged me saying motherhood is harder than she imagined and that she’s in awe at how I’m doing it.

But…

I was also like her at the beginning.

I was constantly worried, tired, frustrated, upset, defeated, and fearful.

I had to keep my emotions in check because I would find myself almost always on the verge of tears. (There’s my hormones to thank for.)

I had questions on top of questions—asking if I’m doing it right or if I’m giving it my all.

Lack of sleep was a noun I know very well. 

And then…

It just gets better.

Truly, the mothers who were before me, as the mothers before them, were not lying when they said, “Just hang in there.”

I kept swimming, holding on to the promise that the nights will eventually become quiet.

Baby finally settled on her own routine.

I have a little time for myself now. I become confident day by day knowing I am giving my 200% at this beautiful thing called motherhood.

I smile and gaze at my baby because she’s the best thing that has EVER happened to me. 

And believe me, I’ll do it again a thousand times over. 

Profound Loss

I lost my dear father, Nestor, yesterday. Now, two of my parents are dead. Grief comes knocking again, only this time it’s more painful and surreal. I guess because I can finally say I am orphaned. I will never get to see him again, and with his finality of death comes the overwhelming feeling of loss and sorrow. He will never get to physically see his only granddaughter, Isabelle. I will never get to hear his voice nor his silent laughter ever again.

It really hurts and I don’t know how long I will be able to recover from this massive loss. 

You will forever be missed, my gentle giant. Thank you for being the best father in the best way you know how. You have been amazing, loving, caring, quiet. Know that I am looking forward to our reunion one day, soon—you, Mama, and I.

May the gates of heaven open up to your soul and grant you eternal rest.

Te amo mucho 🕊 

Oh to be a Mom

I had just put Isabelle, my four-month old daughter, down for her sleep when I took these photos. I wanted to capture the moment of a time I have successfully put her down on her crib, got up, peed, washed some of her burp clothes, and did some house chores that I have put off for quite a while now. I remember asking, ‘Is she ever going to close her eyes and sleep like a log?’ I just wanted to pee and have a moment for myself. Five, ten, fifteen, twenty minutes have gone by and she was just starting to go on REM stage, and then I twitched because one leg felt numb, and boom she was up again. I rocked her back and forth and a little too hard this time. I haven’t noticed how long it took for her to sleep again because I was also starting to feel the heaviness in my eyes. I was just extremely grateful that although tonight was a little tougher than usual, I was up on my legs.

On nights that are especially difficult, I tell myself it’s not going to be always like this. There are days that I have small accomplishments and they felt like I conquered motherhood like a pro. Some days, I’m just about to explode from sheer frustration and exhaustion. But the beauty I have in front of me is very rewarding that all unlikely feelings just fade into the background.

I thank you, Father God, for your everlasting kindness and for choosing me to be my little baby’s primary caregiver. 

Xx

Happy Father’s Day, LOML

Happy Father’s Day to the love of my life, my best friend and staunch supporter in all things I do, Jan. 

Thank you for giving 1/2 of your DNA, which is the core essential for our little bundle of joy’s earthly existence. Without you, I wouldn’t have enjoyed this beautiful roller coaster called motherhood. I appreciate all that you do for the family— for waking up early to give Isabelle her milk, changing her soiled diapers, giving her bath, playing with her, and most importantly, watching over her when I feel like things are about to explode. They say motherhood is very tough, daunting, and challenging; I say it’s doable and possible when you have the support of your partner (and sometimes, a village, especially when you live outside your hometown). Thank you for giving me extra thirty minutes or an hour of warm bath so I can have a little peace and quiet. :)

I look forward to seeing you enjoy fatherhood, especially when the time comes that Isabelle can talk and run. I know you’ll be amazing. 

our partner (and sometimes, a village, especially when you live outside your hometown). Thank you for giving me extra thirty minutes or an hour of warm bath so I can have a little peace and quiet. :)

I look forward to seeing you enjoy fatherhood, especially when the time comes that Isabelle can talk and run. I know you’ll be amazing. 

We love you! 💜

Tiny Wonders

I love that I wake up at dawn to feed and then burp my baby. After putting her down, when the situation allows it, I quickly get up, wash and sterilize some bottles. I do mix feeding, seeing I don’t have enough breast milk to supply her with (not that you asked haha).

It’s always a nice feeling to see my baby sleeping so soundly, her little arms and legs bundled up like a cocoon. I see her smile every so often, as if she’s having a good night’s dream. I hear her soft snoring breaking through the silence of the night. I take a moment to thank the Lord of the beauty that’s right in front of me. I hope you all have that moment today, no matter that it’s short and fleeting. Stop and appreciate the wonderful things around you. 

Xx

I was Pregnant

I found out I was pregnant June of last year. We have been trying for three months, and each month that I tested negative was heartbreaking. I never really thought we’d have a positive result. It was a very defining moment. Life stopped and everything was blurry for a moment. We were really going to be parents!

My pregnancy was never an easy one. I was always vomiting and nauseous during my first trimester, and that resulted to only half a kilo gain the entire time. I didn’t enjoy the food that I used to like. I hated the smell of rice cooking. I had several bouts of headache. I was always sleepy. My second trimester was a different story. It was a glorious time to be. Hahaha! My appetite was back. I was exercising. I was active. I’d take several walks a day. Come third trimester, I had back pain often. I would have a hard time walking because the weight was becoming unbearable. I would also have insomnia. I just wanted to give birth already because the anticipation was weighing down on me. I wanted to just get over it.

And then finally, she came one cold day in March, at 39.6 weeks. Winter was coming to an end. Her presence was like that of Spring— eagerly anticipated.

We love and adore you, Isabelle. You are God’s promise and mama’s gift from above.

finding out we were positive:)

seven weeks pregnant :)

soon-to-be parents enjoying summer (also me at 2.5 mos)

Early winter don’t care

9 mos and super ready to pop (my baby girl was born 2 days after this photo was taken)

Hi, Virtual Friends

I can’t believe I haven’t written in over a year. A lot has happened and life just took its natural course.

I have a baby now. I’m writing at 2:41 A.M. as she snuggles in my arms, sleeping so soundly as if the worries of the world don’t matter.

Times like these I realize that things can get so overwhelming that it’s hard to find a moment to stop and take a breather. But you know what? You can’t pour from an empty cup. It’s really necessary for a mother’s sanity to take a pause and rest. I always tell myself that things will get better and she will soon grow up and then I know I will miss the chaos that is her.

For now, I will bask in this glorious and humbling moment altogether. God has chosen me to be a parent to my little darling girl and that alone is a feat I wish to enjoy. 

Xx